You should never take just one of these signs alone but when you see several signs (at least 2-3) then you have cause for concern. It is best to get a level-headed confidant to help bounce the ideas off of before you go casting blame. Even better, hire an investigator!
Your mate begins to request that dress differently or do things differently in bed. This isn’t always a bad sign! Your mate is expressing dissatisfaction in you either because they are bored with what they have and want to spice things up. They could have found a greener pasture and feel guilty and deep inside, they want that greener pasture to be in their marriage but never knew to talk about it first. It is important to ask your mate questions! If your mate can’t freely talk to you without easily offending you regarding what they would like to experience or see more of, then your marriage is doomed. I have a friend whose husband wants her to wear high heels because he thinks they are sexy. She told me they are uncomfortable. I took her and showed her how the platform heels are SO much more comfortable with the cushion soles that come in more of the shoes now and she liked them. I told her that she must fit that image for him because he is telling her what he LIKES! Now, he also wants to see her in the heels with only the sexy apron on and that is great too but they will have to wait till the kids are away for that. Pleasing your mate is IMPORTANT! If you don’t do it, there are many vultures out there that are willing to do it for you! Then it will be too late!
You mate may start picking fights over trivial issues that escalate into huge problems. They are looking for an excuse to leave for the night so that they can go to spend time with their lover and leave you blaming yourself for pushing them out the door.
Your mate starts hiding their cell phone, turning it off when they are with you, walking into another room to talk when it rings, or extremely short conversations with the caller (such as: “ I can’t talk now, I will call you later” calls), deleting all their texts messages and call lists, etc. First piece of advice: don’t be looking into your mate’s cell phone unless you are ready to start the war of mistrust! You may not fully understand what you are reading because you may not know the context of previous conversations they have had. If you have had many other clues that your mate is cheating, then this may be your source of discovery to confirm those facts. If the cell phone bill minutes have seemed to spike lately and you notice that there are certain numbers that have been called numerous times with lengthy conversations, it could be either business or could be the other lover. Is there a good reason for those calls to occur after work hours? During work hours? Once you choose to go through their phone, and listen to their messages or read their texts, you better have good reason because you can’t go back! Your mate will be EXTREMELY offended if they are not being unfaithful. Have you talked to your mate to ask them why they are always on the phone and why they can’t talk in front of you?
Your mate may suddenly be gifting more than usual or being more attentive than usual. If they are having an affair, they may feel extreme guilt and a way to release some of that guilt is to buy their mate a peace offering. They see your smile and acceptance of the generous gift and they accept it (in their minds) as forgiveness for their indiscretion.
Your mate may suddenly be changing their style! If they go from a dirty construction worker look (even when they go out to eat with you) to wearing a suit all the time (that is an exaggeration but I want you to get the concept), then they may be trying to get someone’s attention (obviously not you because they already have you). Someone that has run across a person that truly has smitten them will cause that person to jump through hoops to get noticed.
Your mate may be showing signs of stress. There are so many signs of stress that you should go on line and Google search “signs of stress”. Here are few:
Mood swings, Sleeplessness, Nightmares, Eating changes (eating too much or too little), Acid indigestion, depression, etc.
Your mate may suddenly never have any spending money. He may be spending all his money trying to impress the new person in their life. Dinners, drinks, gifts, hotel rooms, etc. costs and soon, it will be a struggle hiding all those extra expenses.
Your mate may have strange calls regarding their attendance at work or from a friend and you were sure that they were there. They give you the excuse they are going to spend time with a particular friend but in fact they are with a lover or you believe that they are at work as usual, but instead, they called in sick for the day to spend time with the lover.
Your mate may suddenly be required to work much more overtime than in the past and the explanation may be that there are cutbacks at work and everyone is having to take on more work. It is a great excuse during our economic times and if they are certain types of managers, their extra time may not show up on a paycheck but unless they fall into that category, then you should be seeing the extra income for that overtime. The law dictates that an employer must pay their employees for every hour they work and the employee isn’t even allowed to donate their time for their duties to the company.
Your mate suddenly begins to kiss you differently or does something differently with you in bed and you are wondering where that came from. If you didn’t watch it together or he isn’t reading a book on how to spice up the love life, you might be concerned. I have someone that I know who ignored the “kissing” sign for about a month or so. She knew something was up but just chalked it up to being weird. She later put it all together.
Your mate could start blaming you and checking up on you for your time and money spent to get you on the defensive to take attention away from their own.
Your mate suddenly seems to need more affirmation. Their self-esteem seems to have plundered and they are reaching out to you for constant affirmation. This isn’t always a sign that they are cheating but it is a sign that they are a good candidate to become one if their needs are not being met at home. Sometimes it gets hard to feed the appetite of a lion if the mate’s need gets extreme. If that is the case, then you should go get some counseling together.
There is a book that I highly recommend. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. This book helps you to know your mate’s love language. In other words, what you can do to communicate love to them. Sometimes we are knocking ourselves out to show our mate love and they are getting it because that isn’t their love language. We need to do something for them that makes them know that we love them. It may be something very simple! Marriage is the most difficult assignment in your life BUT the most rewarding! You will only get out of it what you put into it! If you take divorce out as an option, then you are left to deal with the issues and it forces you to work things out. We have become a society of quick fixes! Divorce may seem like a quick fix but put your seat belt on! Believe it or not, you will get involved with another mate (whether you marry them or not) and they too will not be perfect! You will have problems! Each person in your life will come with their own set of problems and circumstances. It is easier to fix what you have than run away or bury it and bring all the problems into a future relationship. You haven’t changed and you were part of the problem in the first place!
God Bless you and please feel free to contact me if I can be of assistance! I know of great counselors and marriage groups!
